Effective communication with young people part two

In part one we looked at the importance of effective communication with young people. How it helps to create healthy relationships and strengthens our young people for future relationships and connections. In part two I will be discussing 8 strategies to encourage the development of your communication skills with young people. These strategies should teach you how to help your young person communicate effectively back with you and other people in their lives, creating a strong a healthy relationship. If a young person feels safe and secure to talk to you, then you set the stage for any difficult conversations and for them to share mental health struggles with you.

 

Strategies for effective communication with young people

1 – Verbal language and words

Young people will shut down if they think someone is being condescending. So always be your natural self and talk to them as you would talk to anyone else. You may be required to maintain boundaries when working with young people or enforce rules as a parent, however being as equal as possible will help bring down any power imbalances in your communication.

 

Keep your language respectful and appropriate, there is no need to swear to be cool or fit in with them. Young people want to be treated like adults and shown the same respect you would if you were talking to a friend. You don’t need to use fancy words or ‘dumb down’ your language, and you should never try to use ‘slang’, especially if you don’t understand the word or the context to use it.

Think about how the words you use might affect someone of a different background, being sensitive to race, disability, gender, or sexuality. Even if you don’t consider a term offensive, it’s possible that some young people might. If you are ever unsure about a how to say something or what word to use, ask the young person what they prefer or if they can help. This will show respect and give the young person a chance to share their knowledge and experience.

 

Think about the tone of your voice too. Did you know that only 7% of communication is actually through the spoken word? A further 38% of communication is through tone of voice. Tone of voice can be about the meaning behind the words, or the attitude and emotion. Be mindful of your volume and inflection of certain words. Engaged listening and being genuine in your desire to help can come across positively in your tone and overall communication.

 

2 – Body language

Even more important than words and tone together, if your body language, which accounts for 55% of your communication. It is important to keep your body language open and non-threatening. Basics such as keep your arms and legs unfolded and your body in a natural and relaxed manner can show you are open. Stopping what you are doing to face your body towards and looking at the young person, if culturally appropriate, shows you are wanting to participate in the conversation. Turning your body towards the young person gives the signal that you are open to listening.

We want to avoid pointing or jabbing your finger or standing over a young person. Any actions that represent a power difference. Sit or crouch down to their level so you are face to face. Leaning in if sitting shows that you are interested, but be careful not to get too close – everyone likes some personal space! Using your non verbal cues such as nodding, shows you are listening and can encourage the young person to continue talking and open up more.

It helps if you know the young person, to determine if they like face to face discussions or just sitting side by side. Some young people can be intimidated by an adult sitting and looking directly at them, which is why I find some of my best counselling sessions have been in a car driving when we are both looking out the window, or when we are doing art and craft activities and we are both looking down at the table. Try to read the non verbal communication cues from the young person and match what they are doing.

 

3 – Boundaries

Often when communicating with young people a large portion of our role is to listen, not to tell our stories from ‘back when’. We can be open to start conversations to help ease anxieties by sharing small parts of ourselves, but we should maintain boundaries. If we are too open and share too much of our own experiences, it changes the dynamics of the relationship and becomes more about you than them. Keeping clear boundaries helps to maintain you as the adult and in the supporting role when they need that guidance.

 

Some young people like to test the boundaries, they may ask personal questions or overstep the mark. Even when we want to ‘impress’ the young person to build rapport it’s important to know that boundaries help the relationship. If a young person starts to inquire repeatedly and wont allow you to change the subject, you can place the question back on them and ask them why the answer is important to them. Maybe they are looking for guidance in an area where they don’t feel confident enough in their own beliefs or answers. This can actually help open further discussions and continue the path for more effective communication and relationship building.

 

4 – Space and time

I think young people have a radar on them to only need or want to talk right when a parent or teacher has just engaged in another activity. This makes it hard to give them your full attention and can be frustrating and difficult. If you cannot stop what you are doing, I encourage you to pause for one brief minute to explain that you are currently busy. State that you would really like to talk to them “at X time” so that you can give them your undivided attention. This will let the young person know that you want to communicate with them, but allows you the physical and mental space to finish a task first. Especially as we know the new truth that multitasking is no good for anyone. Make sure you always go back and pick up the conversation and keep your word.

 

If you know that you have somewhere to be or something to do relatively soon, then don’t start a deep and meaningful conversation with a young person. It is better to allow yourself extra time than you think you’ll need as starting a conversation to cut it short is almost as detrimental to the young person as not having the conversation.

 

A safe place is also important for them. Effective communication can only take place if both parties are open and comfortable to having a conversation to start with. One time I referred a client to another service for additional support, however the service did not accept the referral after the first meeting. When I enquired to the client what happened, he explained that the worker met him at a café and was asking personal questions, but he knew the family sitting right behind him. Because he didn’t feel comfortable answering the questions the worker took it as a sign of disinterest and never followed up. Young people don’t always automatically say what’s on their mind. Direct questions may be needed to find out if they want to talk now, if they want to talk to you, and if they want to talk here or there.

 

It is fantastic if you already have the relationship with a teen that’s grown from effective communication but if you are started out, or trying to repair a relationship then it can be beneficial to plan how, where and when to talk to them.

 

5 – Listening

Listening is a real skill. It is more than simply letting the other person talk. The first step to let young people know that you are truly interested in their life, feelings and thoughts, is by listening to them. If you have a genuine curiosity about what they are talking about, you will ask questions to gather information more naturally. This will encourage sharing deeper feelings and beliefs about the topic, rather than simple telling you facts or answering you briefly. When the young person is talking it might be important to ask clarifying questions or reflect back to them what you think they are saying so you understand their point exactly. However, be mindful not to interrupt to early as they may be getting to the point, but just taking time to gather the right way to share their story.

Help the young person feel heard by trying to empathise with their situation and understand things from their perspective. Not all young people want you to fix their problem, but they just need to know that someone is there to listen to them. Often they would rather share their feelings and thoughts on a situation as an opportunity to debrief, rather than solving it. Also by allowing a safe space for a young person to explore and tease out their feelings and thoughts can often help them find their own solution or answers. This in turn empowers the young people, believing that they have the ability to help themselves in this and future situations.

 

One way to practice 100% listening is to stop yourself from thinking about your response while the other person is talking. Let them say what they need to say and listen to every word, then when they stop or pause, think of your response then. Many people are often thinking of a response half way through someone’s story rather than giving them their undivided attention, which actually blocks you from hearing the full story. Don’t be anxious or nervous that you need to have the perfect answer or response, as the right response will come more naturally when you hear the full story.

 

6 – Silence

This is my gold nugget – if you only take one thing from this blog, let this be it! Silence is the best way to get a young person (or anyone for that matter) to talk. Remember that we are all given two ears and one mouth. This is to remind us that we should spend twice as much time listening as talking. This is especially important when talking to young people, who may tell us more if we are silent long enough to give them the opportunity. Humans often find silence uncomfortable and will talk to fill lengthy gaps. If given a long enough pause in a conversation the young person is more likely to start sharing what is going through their head without thinking or filtering.

 

On the flip side of these things, with a young person’s brain still developing, sometimes they need the time to actually take in what has been said, process, think about their answer, and then share what they are thinking. Young people can be concerned about saying the wrong thing, or being perceived as dumb, and sometimes like to take time to coordinate their response in their minds before sharing it. I found this to be the case also among students with English as their second language or students who have an auditory or processing delay. Allow silence and time for them to think about the conversation and not to feel ashamed that they are taking too long. The more comfortable they feel in sharing with you, will help build their confidence in talking and sharing with others also.

 

7 – Honesty

No matter what your role is to the young person – parent, teacher, coach, therapist, – its important to let them know you care about them. As a ‘psychotherapist’ I was trained to never show your emotions. While boundaries are a main foundation in a counselling relationship, especially with young people, sometimes you may be the only adult in their life who really cares about them and values them. I care for all my clients, otherwise I wouldn’t do the work that I do, and I let them know this, when appropriate.

 

When a young person is talking about risk taking behaviours I express my concern and I am honest. For example; if a client is partaking in alcohol and drug use on weekends, I talk about my concerns without being overbearing or authoritarian about their safety. Sometimes young people can rebel into dangerous activities or behaviours if we try to be controlling. On the flip side if we share our care and concern with positive education, we can help them make the right choice on their own accord. If you are honest with young people you are more likely to gain their trust and they are then more likely to be honest with you.

 

8 – Being non-judgemental

Is it really possible to have no judgement? Of course not. We all judge everyone and everything, through the lense of our own life experiences, even ourselves. It is being aware of our own values, beliefs and judgements that actually stop us from being judgemental. Try not to scoff, role your eyes, or question certain things the young person tells you because of your own experiences and knowledge.

We want to move away from labelling the young person or their behaviours, instead support and accept them for who they are. Try to understand and not find fault in what the young person is talking to you about. This does not mean that you have to agree with everything they say, but showing them respect by listening non judgementally will keep the communication open. If a young person feels safe talking to you then the communication will always come a lot easier for them and in turn for you also.

 

Summary

Remember;

• Stop what you are doing and physically turn your body in towards them
• Allow them time and space to tell their full story
• Be genuinely curious about their experiences and stories
• Be empathetic to their situation and emotions
• Ask questions and clarify points back to them
• Leave your judgements behind and give them unconditional love

 

If you can effectively communicate with a young person, you role model for them to do the same back with you. You give them a fabulous life lesson that can help them in all aspects of their life. But most importantly you give them someone to talk to through their hardest years.

 

Book Empowered Existence for your group

For more information on the Youth Mental Health First Aid course, or any of the courses run by Empowered Existence at your school, workplace, or organisation please visit our website for more information or call us on 0401851654.

Supports

If you know someone who is experiencing a mental health illness or in a crisis and needing support, please help connect them to one of the following or contact Empowered Existence for a secondary consult and free advice.

Lifeline:
24/7 crisis support service 13 11 14

Kids Helpline:
24/7 crisis support service for young people
1800 55 1800 or online text chat at www.kidshelp.com.au

headspace:
24/7 support service for young people
1800 650 890 or online text chat at www.headspace.org.au

Reach Out:
online youth mental health service www.reachout.com

beyond blue:
online information on depression and anxiety 1300 22 4636 or
www.beyondblue.org.au

Relationships Australia:
1300 364 277 or www.relationships.org.au